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It’s not all incense, lotus pose and namaste

August 26, 2010

I’ve been away from Houston for about a week. I took a trip to California, Los Angeles specifically, to take a break and do some meditation. I wanted to make a good attempt at answering some questions for myself.  I can honestly say that many of those questions were left unanswered, but more than perfect answers to my burning questions I received something else.

While I cannot share all the details with you I can tell you this:  I am different.

You may be wondering in what way I’m different and I’m not sure I can explain it to you. I can tell you how I feel. And how I feel is open, available and present.

You might think “of course” that’s normal for a yoga teacher to feel. Perhaps you even think that this is how all yoga teachers must feel all the time. But that’s not true. I would risk to say that many of the teachers who are teaching yoga do so, so they  might find “easier- faster” access to these states of being.  Is not like the blind leading the blind, more accurately it’s “helping others but at the same time hoping to receive benefits” themselves. Of course teaching  yoga  is considered a spiritually “right way” to make a living, more so than say- being a butcher  but there is more to it.

The path of being a yoga teacher is not all incense, Lotus pose and Namaste. I have been a yoga teacher for 10 years now and while I’ll say that I am softened quite a bit by the work, I can also tell you there are aspects that are not softening.  While walking my path as the teacher and yoga studio owner there have been some events that were catastrophic to my self-esteem, my reputation and my practice. As  a result of these events it became more and more difficult for me to access my true self. All the while I continued to teach and to train  with various well known teachers on how to be a better yoga teacher.  However, beyond the asanas and the joy from helping others achieve them, I was unavailable. Unavailable to myself,  and if I were to tell the whole truth- somewhat unavailable to my students. You can imagine there’s quite a bit of  shame associated with this and an equal amount of discomfort in admitting it.

I am here to say that I have released that. I am also happy to say that I have released many unhealthy attachments that have helped me hide my heart. And again I can tell you without a doubt- I’m different.

If you know me well you may notice, if you don’t know me at all and you meet me now, obviously you won’t have any idea. So that begs the question, why am I telling you? I’m telling you because I am telling me. And every time I tell you–and me–it solidifies  the change. Every time I utter the words, “I am different. I am open. I am love.” It becomes more true. This is my affirmation, this is my truth.

I am different. I am open. I am love.

I am different. I am open. I am love.

I am different. I am open. I am love.

6 Comments leave one →
  1. ashdyogi permalink
    August 26, 2010 2:22 pm

    Sounds like you had a good trip!. Glad you are back I have missed you!

  2. nancy permalink
    August 26, 2010 2:32 pm

    wowsa.. amazing. you are in a word, amazing. so glad you had the chance to learn some more about yourself, you continually guide me in so many ways! congrats on the freedom, the openness and the new old you. xo

    • August 26, 2010 2:44 pm

      “the new old me” is precisely who i am. love to you Nance.

  3. August 27, 2010 8:00 am

    Go, Darla, Go!!

    This is amazing! I’m so proud of you for diving deep, seeking the only truth that matters: your own. I love you, I am thrilled for you, and yes, you are LOVELOVELOVE.

    xo

  4. Leslie permalink
    August 27, 2010 8:29 am

    Dearest Darla, my heart is saddened that you had this struggle, but it rejoices in that you found some peace on your journey. We have not seen each other for about three years, but I have a feeling your heart did not change — it was a head thing. You have the purest of hearts, and would be available to guide others at all times. It seems you are happy in being more open, so may that continue for you. you have to know how loved you are.

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